Common Problems

I've been thinking of some ways to solve some common everyday problems. Not all of these are my own, but I've seen them happen.

Problem 1: You're drug dealer is your server at Applebee's. What do you tip?
Well, I think the fact that you're already paying him a premium for your drugs means that you can tip the normal 15-20% amount. The rule of thumb is to tip more for aquaintances, but hey, he already gets your money elsewhere.

Problem 2: You may have accidentally told your friend an abortion joke and unfortunately an abortion survivor is sitting right by you and overheard. What do you do when they turn to face you?
I think there are two approaches to this topic. First, apologize and say you were merely trying to be humorous and hopefully they will accept it. The second approach is slightly different. As soon as they turn you punch them in the face and say 'DID I SAY HEY SQUISHFACE, TURN AROUND? NO! I DIDN'T!' Usually they'll turn their rotten squash shaped head around in shame and think again about eavesdropping.

Problem 3: You see a girl fart you thought was attractive fart in class. Why, dear God, why?
This is probably the easiest question to ask. Forget her. Girls shouldn't fart, dude.

Problem 4: You weren't paying attention at the urinal and you got some splashback all of the front of your pants. Now what?
This is a personal problem that I have had happen no less than 45 times. The trick is to go to the faucet, turn it on full blast, and put the crotch of your pants into the sink, splattering all of the front of your pants. Then whenever some one makes eye contact with your soaked front, just shrug and say 'Powerful faucets in there, amirite?' If they are a frequenter of that rest room such as a cooworker or schoolmate then just go 'Dude, TJ just bet me 50 bucks to wet myself. Let's get some Red Lobster!'. You may be out 50 dollars if s/he indeed accepts your offer, but hey, you'll like a dumbass for pay, instead of for free. (Note: Substitute TJ with Joe, Willington, Jones, or any other fratty-esque name to complete the illusion)

Problem 5: Say you're running for President of the United States and you are like really, really old and sexist. HOWTOFIX?
Get a fine piece of young tail out there. Like, really hot, but still semi-political. People will be amazed that you picked a younger woman that nothing she does/says will matter, because the spotlight will be on you! You're tolerant as fuck and now everyone knows it. So now just dress her up real nice like, make her smile, maybe through some nip-slips out into the media and riiiiiide that riiiiide. You've got it in the bag now, John.