Common Problems

I've been thinking of some ways to solve some common everyday problems. Not all of these are my own, but I've seen them happen.

Problem 1: You're drug dealer is your server at Applebee's. What do you tip?
Well, I think the fact that you're already paying him a premium for your drugs means that you can tip the normal 15-20% amount. The rule of thumb is to tip more for aquaintances, but hey, he already gets your money elsewhere.

Problem 2: You may have accidentally told your friend an abortion joke and unfortunately an abortion survivor is sitting right by you and overheard. What do you do when they turn to face you?
I think there are two approaches to this topic. First, apologize and say you were merely trying to be humorous and hopefully they will accept it. The second approach is slightly different. As soon as they turn you punch them in the face and say 'DID I SAY HEY SQUISHFACE, TURN AROUND? NO! I DIDN'T!' Usually they'll turn their rotten squash shaped head around in shame and think again about eavesdropping.

Problem 3: You see a girl fart you thought was attractive fart in class. Why, dear God, why?
This is probably the easiest question to ask. Forget her. Girls shouldn't fart, dude.

Problem 4: You weren't paying attention at the urinal and you got some splashback all of the front of your pants. Now what?
This is a personal problem that I have had happen no less than 45 times. The trick is to go to the faucet, turn it on full blast, and put the crotch of your pants into the sink, splattering all of the front of your pants. Then whenever some one makes eye contact with your soaked front, just shrug and say 'Powerful faucets in there, amirite?' If they are a frequenter of that rest room such as a cooworker or schoolmate then just go 'Dude, TJ just bet me 50 bucks to wet myself. Let's get some Red Lobster!'. You may be out 50 dollars if s/he indeed accepts your offer, but hey, you'll like a dumbass for pay, instead of for free. (Note: Substitute TJ with Joe, Willington, Jones, or any other fratty-esque name to complete the illusion)

Problem 5: Say you're running for President of the United States and you are like really, really old and sexist. HOWTOFIX?
Get a fine piece of young tail out there. Like, really hot, but still semi-political. People will be amazed that you picked a younger woman that nothing she does/says will matter, because the spotlight will be on you! You're tolerant as fuck and now everyone knows it. So now just dress her up real nice like, make her smile, maybe through some nip-slips out into the media and riiiiiide that riiiiide. You've got it in the bag now, John.

Les Politics

Barack Obama: Good speaker, nice guy, probably not corrupt.

The whole 'terrorist' and Bill Ayers shit is the stupidest thing in the world. Bill Ayers was part of a RADICAL movement in the 60's (who the fuck wasn't) who BOMBED STATUES. STATUES. His group has never claimed to kill anyone's lives and now what's this 'terrorist' doing? He's an education reformer in Chicago. Not so many RPG's and IEDS there.

John McCain: Old school, more experience, more friends.

Not my choice, but seriously, he's not 'evil'. He's not corrupt. His wife looks like she's probably evil, but the dude used to be the Democrats BFF on the other side of the aisle until his OWN PARTY bitched at him so much he had to stop being our friend and speak out against us. He was awesome in 2000 and he's probably still more moderate than he'll let on now.


Sarah Palin: Dumb cunt. Not going to lie, I wouldn't trust her to teach my kids 6th grade history.

Executive experience? What, governing a state smaller than 17 US cities? Woooooooo! Mayor Bart Peterson of Indianapolis could be the next VP or possibly President under that line of thinking. She's not a good speaker, she seems like she's completely unaware of anything that people won't yell at her for not knowing and she was part of the AIP. Most people don't know what that is, but it's the ALASKAN INDEPENDENCE PARTY. She calls Obama a terrorist and non-patriotic in her own roundabout way and she DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE IN FUCKING AMERICA. Alaska as a country? I'd love to see that Civil War. Our Abrahm's tanks and Apache Helicopters versus their drunken oil rig workers and undernourished Polar Bears.

Joe Biden: Experience, intellectual, well connected.

He's what we've had for Presidents for the last 30 years or so. Nothing new, nothing special, but he probably wouldn't fuck up too hard. Nice dude, but he has no idea about intellectual property and new technology at all. John McCain has never sent an email and I'm betting Joe Biden thinks Youtube is code for a television.

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Barack Obama: Not a communist/terrorist.
John McCain: Not George W Bush.

Peope, don't be retarded. I don't want to feel tempted to respond to your Facebook posts and status's. Huffington Post, Drudge Report, NewsMax, FoxNews, everything with a more-than-visible slant shouldn't be considered anything but an editorial. The more passionate people are about hating the opposition the less credit their candidate will recieve.

DONTWORRYIMBACKOK

Settle down, JBG. I'm back spouting forth wit like a Taco Bell fueled diarrhea of observation and analysis.