The 'Right' religion

The most referenced book of the Old Testament happens to be the most morally reprehensible to secular (and logical) people. How coincidental.

Here are a FEW of my favorite passages from the Book of Leviticus:


#15 Delicious things

11:9; 9 " 'Of all the creatures living in the water of the seas and the streams, you may eat any that have fins and scales. 10 But all creatures in the seas or streams that do not have fins and scales—whether among all the swarming things or among all the other living creatures in the water—you are to detest. 11 And since you are to detest them, you must not eat their meat and you must detest their carcasses. 12 Anything living in the water that does not have fins and scales is to be detestable to you.

Sorry calamari lovers. TO HELL WITH YOU! (literally). Of course if you burn some animals at your designated church you'll be straight. God's a pyro I guess.

#14 Girls have cooties

15:19; 19 " 'When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening.

Girls on their period are icky. You'll have to sacrifice more shit if you touch them. Maybe this one isn't SO crazy.

#13 Do as I say not to do but do it and don't do it (foundations of the Bible)

17:10; 10 " 'Any Israelite or any alien living among them who eats any blood—I will set my face against that person who eats blood and will cut him off from his people. 11 For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one's life. 12 Therefore I say to the Israelites, "None of you may eat blood, nor may an alien living among you eat blood."

Whoops. Disregard that transubstantiation thing. Guess the Protestants were right. 10,000,000 Hail Mary's each and we'll be okay.

#12 Boricks? More like No-Ricks!

19:27; 27 " 'Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.

God loves stray hairs and hates those who groom!

#11 Christian coeds be damned!

19:28; 28 " 'Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD.

So don't mourn your grandma with some good ol' /wristing or get gaudy crucifixes on your body showing how much you love God, because he hates you. You ink-tainted, wrist-scarred heathen mongrel!

#10 Sex slaves? Okay within reason!

19:20; 20 " 'If a man sleeps with a woman who is a slave girl promised to another man but who has not been ransomed or given her freedom, there must be due punishment. Yet they are not to be put to death, because she had not been freed. 21 The man, however, must bring a ram to the entrance to the Tent of Meeting for a guilt offering to the LORD. 22 With the ram of the guilt offering the priest is to make atonement for him before the LORD for the sin he has committed, and his sin will be forgiven."

So basically it's not okay to screw some other dudes sex slave, but because she's a slave, not a person you won't get stoned. Just burn a goat and God will look the other way about the whole ordeal.

#9 Sorry Patricia Arquette

20:27; 27 " 'A man or woman who is a medium or spiritist among you must be put to death. You are to stone them; their blood will be on their own heads.' "

Bitch, don't you talk to ghosts!

#8 But.. Priests can't do that!

21:1; 1 The LORD said to Moses, "Speak to the priests, the sons of Aaron, and say to them: 'A priest must not make himself ceremonially unclean for any of his people who die, 2 except for a close relative, such as his mother or father, his son or daughter, his brother, 3 or an unmarried sister who is dependent on him since she has no husband—for her he may make himself unclean. 4 He must not make himself unclean for people related to him by marriage, [a] and so defile himself."

This must be a typo, priests can't marry. It says so in the Bi-... oh...hmm..I guess the church really didn't want children to inherit churches property and wealth. Protestant propaganda. priests with families... that's just stupid!

#7 Thou shalt not go to Great Clips

21:5; 5 " 'Priests must not shave their heads or shave off the edges of their beards or cut their bodies. 6 They must be holy to their God and must not profane the name of their God. Because they present the offerings made to the LORD by fire, the food of their God, they are to be holy.

Seriously. We don't want a bunch of trim, short-haired models running around giving women the vapors. Also, God hates aerodynamics. Kind of ironic that they need to have long hair and beards even though they say they're messing with fire because of all these sinners giving them animals to burn. You'd think God would follow fire regulations, but hey, he's a Maverick.

#6 Only one holy whore, please.

21:9; 9 " 'If a priest's daughter defiles herself by becoming a prostitute, she disgraces her father; she must be burned in the fire.

Wait a second. Throw it out, priest's can't have daughters. Typo again. God must have slipped typing it up on his Mac Air.

#5 Keep it tight, always.

21:13; 13 " 'The woman he marries must be a virgin. 14 He must not marry a widow, a divorced woman, or a woman defiled by prostitution, but only a virgin from his own people, 15 so he will not defile his offspring among his people. I am the LORD, who makes him holy. [d] ' "

Priests still shouldn't marry! But if they do... no skanks, please. Or old bitches.

#4 Please see Jesus before coming to Church..

21:16; 16 The LORD said to Moses, 17 "Say to Aaron: 'For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. 18 No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; 19 no man with a crippled foot or hand, 20 or who is hunchbacked or dwarfed, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. 21 No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the offerings made to the LORD by fire. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. 22 He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; 23 yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the LORD, who makes them holy. [e] ' "

...cuz God hates freaks. Well, freaks in church. Stay out and it's alright. Ask JC to heal you though first, because seriously... you're gross.

#3 Hammu-Rabi!

24:17; 17 " 'If anyone takes the life of a human being, he must be put to death. 18 Anyone who takes the life of someone's animal must make restitution—life for life. 19 If anyone injures his neighbor, whatever he has done must be done to him: 20 fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. As he has injured the other, so he is to be injured. 21 Whoever kills an animal must make restitution, but whoever kills a man must be put to death. 22 You are to have the same law for the alien and the native-born. I am the LORD your God.' "

Looks like God plagiarized from Hammurabi and forgot to cite his sources! We'll let it slip this time.On another note; murder murderers, cuz Karma's a bitch, yo'.

#2 Isaac, son of Abraham 'Not-Lincoln'

25: 44; 44 " 'Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. 45 You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. 46 You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.

Slavery's okay guys. We TOLD you. Once again the prejudice of the south is based on the absolute truth of God. Just remember, enslave people who aren't like you, or else it's a sin. Remember this little rhyme!

"Looks like me,
set him free.
Skin too dark,
put him to wark."

It works in the right accent.

#1 You better be listening to me, Me Damnit!

26:27; 27 " 'If in spite of this you still do not listen to me but continue to be hostile toward me, 28 then in my anger I will be hostile toward you, and I myself will punish you for your sins seven times over. 29 You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters. 30 I will destroy your high places, cut down your incense altars and pile your dead bodies on the lifeless forms of your idols, and I will abhor you. 31 I will turn your cities into ruins and lay waste your sanctuaries, and I will take no delight in the pleasing aroma of your offerings. 32 I will lay waste the land, so that your enemies who live there will be appalled. 33 I will scatter you among the nations and will draw out my sword and pursue you. Your land will be laid waste, and your cities will lie in ruins. 34 Then the land will enjoy its sabbath years all the time that it lies desolate and you are in the country of your enemies; then the land will rest and enjoy its sabbaths. 35 All the time that it lies desolate, the land will have the rest it did not have during the sabbaths you lived in it."

Better do what you're told or Jesus won't be the only person you'll be eating on a weekly basis! Booyeah! Also I'll probably shrink your weiner, extrovert your vagina, your snot will be blue, and umm... you'll only have the guide channel on TV!.

*******GOLDEN RULE******* And the most important one of all..

20:13; 13 " 'If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads."

Seems this one gets the most important! Obviously it's the key to the whole book, the linchpin holding the law-set together! Obviously God hates gay men (lesbians are okay, nothing in there about you gals) because it's a common fact that 15 out of every 10 hair dressers who are good at their job are gay men. And if we look back, GOD HATES HAIRCUTS. So now you know why the rules in place and you better obey it! Because you won't be eating the flesh of your children as God wills it so you cannot adopt children, so instead we'll just kill you. Ironically, we might all have to kill ourselves after stoning you because that law's in effect too, but as long as no one stones us and we do it ourselves we'll be okay. But if we stone you and then some one stones us we'll have to stone them and we'd probably run out of people, which is kind of ironic, because this is what the whole book of Leviticus was based on, population protections, but you know what, these rules are rock solid! GOD made them, so too bad! Stoning for everyone for Alla-... errr God!

Superfun

Grats, President Obama.

Please don't fuck up. We're counting on you to just.. not fuck up. You know, Bill Clinton it.


Also awesome song from my favoritest band full of vegans with heterochromia.( Or just one with heterochromia)

Common Problems

I've been thinking of some ways to solve some common everyday problems. Not all of these are my own, but I've seen them happen.

Problem 1: You're drug dealer is your server at Applebee's. What do you tip?
Well, I think the fact that you're already paying him a premium for your drugs means that you can tip the normal 15-20% amount. The rule of thumb is to tip more for aquaintances, but hey, he already gets your money elsewhere.

Problem 2: You may have accidentally told your friend an abortion joke and unfortunately an abortion survivor is sitting right by you and overheard. What do you do when they turn to face you?
I think there are two approaches to this topic. First, apologize and say you were merely trying to be humorous and hopefully they will accept it. The second approach is slightly different. As soon as they turn you punch them in the face and say 'DID I SAY HEY SQUISHFACE, TURN AROUND? NO! I DIDN'T!' Usually they'll turn their rotten squash shaped head around in shame and think again about eavesdropping.

Problem 3: You see a girl fart you thought was attractive fart in class. Why, dear God, why?
This is probably the easiest question to ask. Forget her. Girls shouldn't fart, dude.

Problem 4: You weren't paying attention at the urinal and you got some splashback all of the front of your pants. Now what?
This is a personal problem that I have had happen no less than 45 times. The trick is to go to the faucet, turn it on full blast, and put the crotch of your pants into the sink, splattering all of the front of your pants. Then whenever some one makes eye contact with your soaked front, just shrug and say 'Powerful faucets in there, amirite?' If they are a frequenter of that rest room such as a cooworker or schoolmate then just go 'Dude, TJ just bet me 50 bucks to wet myself. Let's get some Red Lobster!'. You may be out 50 dollars if s/he indeed accepts your offer, but hey, you'll like a dumbass for pay, instead of for free. (Note: Substitute TJ with Joe, Willington, Jones, or any other fratty-esque name to complete the illusion)

Problem 5: Say you're running for President of the United States and you are like really, really old and sexist. HOWTOFIX?
Get a fine piece of young tail out there. Like, really hot, but still semi-political. People will be amazed that you picked a younger woman that nothing she does/says will matter, because the spotlight will be on you! You're tolerant as fuck and now everyone knows it. So now just dress her up real nice like, make her smile, maybe through some nip-slips out into the media and riiiiiide that riiiiide. You've got it in the bag now, John.

Les Politics

Barack Obama: Good speaker, nice guy, probably not corrupt.

The whole 'terrorist' and Bill Ayers shit is the stupidest thing in the world. Bill Ayers was part of a RADICAL movement in the 60's (who the fuck wasn't) who BOMBED STATUES. STATUES. His group has never claimed to kill anyone's lives and now what's this 'terrorist' doing? He's an education reformer in Chicago. Not so many RPG's and IEDS there.

John McCain: Old school, more experience, more friends.

Not my choice, but seriously, he's not 'evil'. He's not corrupt. His wife looks like she's probably evil, but the dude used to be the Democrats BFF on the other side of the aisle until his OWN PARTY bitched at him so much he had to stop being our friend and speak out against us. He was awesome in 2000 and he's probably still more moderate than he'll let on now.


Sarah Palin: Dumb cunt. Not going to lie, I wouldn't trust her to teach my kids 6th grade history.

Executive experience? What, governing a state smaller than 17 US cities? Woooooooo! Mayor Bart Peterson of Indianapolis could be the next VP or possibly President under that line of thinking. She's not a good speaker, she seems like she's completely unaware of anything that people won't yell at her for not knowing and she was part of the AIP. Most people don't know what that is, but it's the ALASKAN INDEPENDENCE PARTY. She calls Obama a terrorist and non-patriotic in her own roundabout way and she DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE IN FUCKING AMERICA. Alaska as a country? I'd love to see that Civil War. Our Abrahm's tanks and Apache Helicopters versus their drunken oil rig workers and undernourished Polar Bears.

Joe Biden: Experience, intellectual, well connected.

He's what we've had for Presidents for the last 30 years or so. Nothing new, nothing special, but he probably wouldn't fuck up too hard. Nice dude, but he has no idea about intellectual property and new technology at all. John McCain has never sent an email and I'm betting Joe Biden thinks Youtube is code for a television.

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Barack Obama: Not a communist/terrorist.
John McCain: Not George W Bush.

Peope, don't be retarded. I don't want to feel tempted to respond to your Facebook posts and status's. Huffington Post, Drudge Report, NewsMax, FoxNews, everything with a more-than-visible slant shouldn't be considered anything but an editorial. The more passionate people are about hating the opposition the less credit their candidate will recieve.

DONTWORRYIMBACKOK

Settle down, JBG. I'm back spouting forth wit like a Taco Bell fueled diarrhea of observation and analysis.

I apologize

Dear Linsday Lohan,

Even though you are a human train-wreck and possibly a attention-lesbo, I have made comments in the past that your breasts were not attractive. I would like to redact such statements and for natural breasts they are pretty sweet. I apologize whole heartedly.

Lovingly,

EPG

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